Thursday, January 9, 2014

new year, new goals, new news....

i was thinking a few days ago that i don't normally suffer from the post holiday blues (although this year i did, just a teesy little bit) because here in new orleans, we go directly from new year's eve to twelfth night which kicks off the beginning of the carnival season.


now, mind you, our carnival festivities can range from just a few weeks later to two months.
i never did understand the calendar for these things! 
but, anyway...it's something to do to keep the january blues at bay.


this year, there has been a whole lot of gnarly stuff going on in my life...things i wasn't expecting, didn't see coming, and really could have used a head's up on! 
i'm trying hard to deal with them as a rational, sane grown up.
but that's a battle i have not been winning.

i won't bore you with all the sordid details for every single thing that's happened, but i will tell you that yesterday i received some very disturbing news from my ENT.

in september of 2012 i had major surgery on my left ear to remove a growth in my ear canal.
my ear drum was reconstructed and whole bunch of other really gross stuff happened.
it turns out i am allergic to the primary drug in most all painkillers, so i did my recovery without any happy pills, and i am here to tell you, it was THE most painful experience of my life.
after my healing period, i was given amazing news: my eardrum was normal - no holes - and my hearing was at near 100%.
i'm looked at every 3 months and so far things have been great.

until yesterday.

i found out i have developed a hole in my ear drum.
i knew that was what was going on from the whoooshing sound i hear 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
i have lost a lot of the hearing in my left ear.
i knew.
but i didn't want to KNOW.

now i know.
so, my doctor wants to give it 6 weeks and see me again.
he says if the hole doesn't get any bigger, we'll let it ride.
if it does, however, get bigger....i will have to have it repaired.
which means another surgery.

now, i realize, in the rational part of my mind, that it could be a lot, lot worse.
but, man, i am freaking out!!!
i honestly am not sure i can handle that again, knowing how painful it will be.

only time will tell...and i am handling it better today than i did yesterday when i cried on and off pretty much all day long.

but, when i was hoping, scheming, planning, and dreaming for what i wanted to do this year...another surgery WAS NOT on the list!!!

oh well.

i am not really the kind of person who makes resolutions, per se, but i do like to set goals and new dreams for each coming year.
and while i see each day as a day to begin anew, there is something sort of magical about the changing of the new year.


things i want to accomplish this year include taking more pictures with my cameras. i've gotten out of the habit with that silly iphone i spend so much time on.
i want to really try to see the world differently, perhaps through the lens of my camera.





it's something i've long enjoyed...but have let slip away with the advent of the camera phone.

i want to be a better friend. i've dropped out of a lot of people's live this last year. i don't mean to do it...i just suppose i am a bit of a recluse at heart.
so, i'm going to try and do better in that field.

my art is changing...

last year was full of all kinds of experiments and fun stuff...




and in the summer, i went back to paper clay and a more vintage look.






but toward the end of the year, my work started to morph even more into a more fantastical, surreal, dreamlike look that i have longed for, but didn't think i had the skills to achieve.






but, i think i am getting there and i've come up with several series' i am excited to pursue this year.

there are many other things i want to do, am doing, and don't want to jinx. 
yes, i am superstitious.
so, we'll just leave it here for now.

i hope that no matter what happens, i will be able to continue doing the one thing that makes me whole: make art!!

i just have to remind myself that there i am strong and i am thankful i have my art to distract and heal me.

i hope the new year is bringing you joy and wonderment; magic and hope; love and light.

do you have any goals or dreams you would like to fulfill this year?
are any already under way?
i'd love to hear about them...

till next time...
xoxo,
♥amber♥

2 comments:

Sarah Trumpp said...

I am so sorry to hear about your ear issues and sorry about the possibility of impending surgery. A few years ago I went through a nightmare procedure that has scarred me for life (emotionally. not literally, thankfully), and I can't imagine the horror of knowing I'd have to do that again.

I am just trying to focus - I am so scatterbrained and easily distracted. That's my big goal for the year: Stop screwing around so much. Like right now. I should be recording a video but instead I'm checking blogs. ;)

It has been fun following you on your journey this past year - I'm excited to see what you do next!

xo!

Amber Leilani Middleton said...

sarah, i am sad to hear you went through something so horrific! yeah, i'd say the emotional scar ( ie fear) of that surgery was worse than the frankenstein one behind my ear! i really don't want to keep doing this again and again!
i have been very all over the place and very lacking in motivation this year. which is unlike me! i usually have more ideas than time. right now i'm going through a lot of "why bother"....i really must snap out of it!
i too am looking foward to your next project!
xoxo,
amber