so, yes, as the title of this post claims....change is hard. it feels like my life has been one big change after another for the last 2 years. i really shouldn't complain. i've done some things i've wanted to do ( quit two crap ass jobs), had some opportunities i've wanted to explore ( paper clay doll making), and gotten to meet some folks i've always wanted to meet ( you know who you are).
it looks like it's back to the daily grind for me after the first of the year.
i'm looking about as forward to going back to work as i am to getting punched in the face. actually, i got hit in the face with the trunk of our car a few weeks ago and i would have to say that i preferred it to working!
i hate people. generally managers and supervisors who, it has been my experience, couldn't find their arses with a map and a flashlight. they blow smoke but couldn't run a business if their life depended on it.
but, alas, my little art doll business just hasn't panned out the way i had hoped... so it's back to work for yours truly.
i've been so depressed about this prospect, that i spent a good bit of november just sitting on the bed, staring off into space. i've imagined the interviews. seen the hourly wage. cried. cried some more. wanted to run away. and thrown parmesan cheese across the kitchen at least once.
none of it did me any good.
so, to alleviate the depression, resentment, and anger over this change to my creative life, i have been trying to focus on my art and what it means to me. why do i create? what drives that desire to make things with my little paws? and what can i do to ensure that whatever shit job i end up with will not suck the creative juices out of me the way the EVERY OTHER JOB I'VE EVER HAD has done....
will i be able to keep creating when i go back to work? i don't know.
i thought, pretty hard actually, about giving or throwing away all of my art supplies, from the beads to the clay to the stamps and inks, never ever touching another creative thing in my life.
i really did. and i haven't actually given up on the prospect of doing so. i think about it daily.
it would make things much easier. because when i'm working 8 hours a day, coming home and trying to be a good partner, a good kitty mama, a good errand runner, and a good friend doesn't leave a gal with many hours to craft--especially if you are trying to build a business. so, it seems prudent to just give it up. use my creative juices to keep my house clean ( shopping can be creative, right?) and just immerse myself in LAW & ORDER reruns and movies.....
i don't have an answer yet...
all my life all i've ever wanted was my own business. my own art business. trouble is, i'm a terrible business person. i love creating. suck at marketing. i don't have an entrepreneurial brain. i like making things i want to make. i suck at making things people want to buy.
le artiste. what can you do?!
i've also been thinking a lot about this blog and what it's morphed into... what it was, when i first started ( kind of a way to vent a little about the shit job i had at that time and a way to try and keep myself motivated) and what i tried to make it this summer ( a place of joy where no negativity lived - to keep myself motivated and inspired).
truth is, i'm not really a very positive person. i'm a happy person, but i think waaaaay too much to be positive all the time. i do get depressed. i get discouraged. i take the people i love for granted. and i'm am super duper extra selfish when it comes to my art time. i have tried sooooo hard to keep that part of me out of here. to be honest, i wanted to build a place that made people happy. where they could come for their inspiration and uplifted-ness.
but, that's just not who i am, and it's time i stopped trying to be someone i'm not. i fall prey to that more than i would like.
i think, if i am completely honest with myself, that if i am going to survive in the work day world again, that i am going to have to use this little place that i've built as a bit of journal: to help me work through the pain, depression, doubt, anger, resentment, joy, hope, and encouragement that i experience every day. THAT'S WHO I AM.
i'm a real person.
i guess it's like alan jackson says: i'm a work in progress.
there's a little tidbit about me i bet you didn't know - i'm a alan jackson fan. there. i said it.
so, i guess that's where i am today.
tomorrow will be different i am sure.
i am dealing with a lot of personal stuff right now that is neither pleasant or interesting and i am just keeping all my digits crossed that everything works out so that i can continue living ( which i do enjoy) and will have the opportunity to make other opportunities for myself and my family that don't include me punching some dipshit's timeclock until i'm 80.
and i guess i prolly won't throw out my craft supplies. i have so many ideas i want to explore, that i am sure the minute i did it, i would regret it wholly.
so, if you read this blog to see what i'm up to art-wise, fret not. more work is forthcoming. i guess i just need to make things....
but, be forewarned that i may not always be happy and positive. artful blogging be damned. sometimes i just need to tell it like it is.
my name is amber leilani and i'm an artist....and sometimes that is hardest thing in the world to be....