Wednesday, December 8, 2010

change is hard...

i must give you all a head's up that this is going to be a long and rambling post, with A LOT of personal information about yours truly and her art....if you want to duck out now, i won't blame you....

so, yes, as the title of this post claims....change is hard.  it feels like my life has been one big change after another for the last 2 years. i really shouldn't complain. i've done some things i've wanted to do ( quit two crap ass jobs), had some opportunities i've wanted to explore ( paper clay doll making), and gotten to meet some folks i've always wanted to meet ( you know who you are).


it looks like it's back to the daily grind for me after the first of the year.


i'm looking about as forward to going back to work as i am to getting punched in the face. actually, i got hit in the face with the trunk of our car a few weeks ago and i would have to say that i preferred it to working!

i hate people. generally managers and supervisors who, it has been my experience, couldn't find their arses with a map and a flashlight. they blow smoke but couldn't run a business if their life depended on it.
but, alas, my little art doll business just hasn't panned out the way i had hoped... so it's back to work for yours truly.

i've been so depressed about this prospect, that i spent a good bit of november just sitting on the bed, staring off into space. i've imagined the interviews. seen the hourly wage. cried. cried some more. wanted to run away. and thrown parmesan cheese across the kitchen at least once.

none of it did me any good.

so, to alleviate the depression, resentment,  and anger over this change to my creative life, i have been trying to focus on my art and what it means to me. why do i create? what drives that desire to make things with my little paws? and what can i do to ensure that whatever shit job i end up with will not suck the creative juices out of me the way the EVERY OTHER JOB I'VE EVER HAD has done....

will i be able to keep creating when i go back to work? i don't know.

i thought, pretty hard actually, about giving or throwing away all of my art supplies, from the beads to the clay to the stamps and inks, never ever touching another creative thing in my life.
i really did. and i haven't actually given up on the prospect of doing so. i think about it daily.
it would make things much easier. because when i'm working 8 hours a day, coming home and trying to be a good partner, a good kitty mama, a good errand runner, and a good friend doesn't leave a gal with many hours to craft--especially if you are trying to build a business. so, it seems prudent to just give it up. use my creative juices to keep my house clean ( shopping can be creative, right?) and just immerse myself in LAW & ORDER reruns and movies.....

i dunno.

i don't have an answer yet...

all my life all i've ever wanted was my own business. my own art business. trouble is, i'm a terrible business person. i love creating. suck at marketing.  i don't have an entrepreneurial brain. i like making things i want to make. i suck at making things people want to buy.

le artiste. what can you do?!

i've also been thinking a lot about this blog and what it's morphed into... what it was, when i first started ( kind of a way to vent a little about the shit job i had at that time and a way to try and keep myself motivated) and what i tried to make it this summer ( a place of joy where no negativity lived - to keep myself motivated and inspired).

truth is, i'm not really a very positive person. i'm a happy person, but i think waaaaay too much to be positive all the time. i do get depressed. i get discouraged. i take the people i love for granted. and i'm am super duper extra selfish when it comes to my art time. i have tried sooooo hard to keep that part of me out of here. to be honest, i wanted to build a place that made people happy. where they could come for their inspiration and uplifted-ness.

but, that's just not who i am, and it's time i stopped trying to be someone i'm not. i fall prey to that more than i would like.

i think, if i am completely honest with myself, that if i am going to survive in the work day world again, that i am going to have to use this little place that i've built as a bit of journal: to help me work through the pain, depression, doubt, anger, resentment, joy, hope, and encouragement that i experience every day. THAT'S WHO I AM.

i'm a real person.

who feels.

i guess it's like alan jackson says: i'm a work in progress.

there's a little tidbit about me i bet you didn't know - i'm a alan jackson fan. there. i said it.

so, i guess that's where i am today.
tomorrow will be different i am sure.

i am dealing with a lot of personal stuff right now that is neither pleasant or interesting and i am just keeping all my digits crossed that everything works out so that i can continue living ( which i do enjoy) and will have the opportunity to make other opportunities for myself and my family that don't include me punching some dipshit's timeclock until i'm 80.

and i guess i prolly won't throw out my craft supplies. i have so many ideas i want to explore, that i am sure the minute i did it, i would regret it wholly.

so, if you read this blog to see what i'm up to art-wise, fret not. more work is forthcoming. i guess i just need to make things....

but, be forewarned that i may not always be happy and positive. artful blogging be damned. sometimes i just need to tell it like it is.

my name is amber leilani and i'm an artist....and sometimes that is hardest thing in the world to be....



Whimsey Creations said...

If when you are in the moment, creating, it feeds your soul - then ABSOLUTELY don't give it up! If you only have 15 minutes a day to feed your soul - feed it! Marketing IS hard and I suck at it too. That's why I no longer concentrate on selling - my creations are made for family and friends. And my pleasure and joy in creating is still there because I'm not worrying about having to make money with it. Unfortunately in these economic times - it's hard for anyone to make a living as an artist. But don't give up the thing you love to do just because you have to work at something you don't especially like. And I know you already know this but how you decide to react to things in your life will be how you live and enjoy your life. If you are dreading going back to the corporate world (or wherever you'll be working) then it will be a miserable experience. If you choose to get out of bed each day and make it the best day you can have regardless of others, then it will be the best day you ever had. I wish you blessings and love.

Bead-Mused said...

You're right -- art is hard but you do it well. And having to go back to work is HARD! Don't give up on the art, use it as a release for the stress that work might generate. I've got my fingers crossed for you! And never, ever make excuses for who you are, Amber. Just remember that you are one of a kind and that is a WONDERFUL thing.

TheBlakkDuchess said...

Ah, my darling. No one is positive all the time, and if they are, they're lying. ^-^

Your blog is YOUR place. Let it contain whatever YOU are dealing with at the moment, the good, the bad & the ugly.

Please don't throw out your art supplies. I'll have to hitchhike across the country to retrieve them from your rubbish bin... ^-^

As tempting as it is to stop making art when things get hard, you will be denying your spirit, the very essence of who you are, if you stop creating. It will kill you slowly, from the inside out. I am rather fond of you & would like you to stick around for a while (at least...). ^-^

Art is what keeps us alive, as opposed to merely existing in a dark & dreary world.

I love Alan Jackson too... He's one of my dirty little secrets... lolz...

I wish I lived closer so I could pop on over & give you encouragement & support in person. You are an amazing woman & artist, who inspires me to be the same.

Sorry for the novel I've written, but since I can't wrap you in a hug I figured I'd try & wrap you in my words...

Send me your address to

and I'll send you that card!

Sending you love & hugs & encouragement. ^-^


DebiDeaux said...

I was depressed when I realized that I would have to get a paying job because my art would not support me. But I found a job I enjoy working for a lady that is a new friend. I have my art to support my soul and in the meantime it is supporting itself.
Don't give up your art and if the job you get is hateful find another, and another, and another, til you find one that fits.
Hang in there Kiddo!

Knickertwist said...

Good Lord woman don't you dare give up the arty stuff! ESPECIALLY not in place of cleaning and reruns. When I had to return to work after a year off, art was my escape from my shitty job and stupid co-workers and idiotic clients. I could leave all the workday crap behind and be totally selfish in my making. YOUR makings are devine! Absolutely gorgeous and inspiring! *sigh*

Gah, people don't say this enough... it's perfectly fine to be pissed off, angry, to have an off day, to be miserable, to hate people, and even to throw parmesean across the room once in a while.

I have my fingers crossed very tightly that you'll find a job that you enjoy (at least enough to not want to kick everyone around you) and that you keep making fantastical things selfishly.

Thelma-Art said...

Some times (and many times) I feel like you. But, please don't throw your self (your art supplies). You have talent and one day this talent will give many satisfactions. Please try many ways to run your own business. I'm trying too. :)