Sunday, July 18, 2010

always listen to your inner voice....

do y'all remember that green day song with the lyric that went something like : "sometimes i give myself the creeps" ??!??

yeah. that would be me.

you see, sometimes i completely ignore my inner voice. actually, i've been ignoring it a lot lately.
and i KNOW better. 
i do remember college and what happened when i didn't listen to my inner voice: bad roommate situation squared.

 i know better. follow your first instinct. listen to that inner voice.

but, you see, sometimes i let other people influence me instead of just following my own path. it's not often, but it does happen. i'm man enough to admit it. i let their words get in and i start to put waaaay too much pressure on myself to do things a certain way. and that makes me absolutely, stark raving angry and resentful.
at myself. and really, that's just not productive.

i'm being cryptic, aren't i? well, let me lay this out for you....

a few days ago i asked to bend your ear. i was putting a whole lot of pressure on myself to CREATE CREATE CREATE. but what i didn't tell you was that i was putting pressure on myself to make my little clay figures in a certain style...that really ( and i can be honest now ) wasn't my style and did not make me happy. they just didn't look like anything i would even want to buy. and i just wasn't happy working on them. the few that i have managed to finish, i have not been very happy with either. i know i appeared so, but truthfully, i wasn't.  i was lying to myself. i kept looking at them and's just not me. but, i wouldn't stop trying. forcing. square peg, round hole.
i spent pretty much most of last week just screaming at myself in my head because nothing was coming out like i planned. but here's the kicker - i really wasn't planning. i didn't have a clue what i wanted to make, so i was winging it. i can admit that now. and i was forcing myself to try and make them all creepy, because so many of the artists' whose work i admire - well, their work could be categorized as a little on the creepy side. and that's great. i love looking at it. but, i'm not them.

so....i was sitting at the beading table during this little rant, and i was bored, so i started looking through old sketchbooks to find cuff designs (since i really do need to make some of those). and while i was looking through one of my sketchbooks from last year, i found these little sketches i had made of some pudgy faced girls - there was a little red riding hood, a queen bee, some anthropomorphic cuties. i was surprised they were in there. i had pretty much forgotten about them.

that night when i went to bed, i was still thinking about these sketches. i started thinking about all the things i could do with them, but then i kind of frowned inside and thought "yeah, but they're cute. and i don't do cute".
and then i sat straight up in the bed, scaring the bejeesus out of mr. b and the kittehs, and said out loud " WHY CAN'T I DO CUTE???"
 honestly, i like cute. in fact, i love cute. i love sweet little girly things. glitter. fairies. princesses. i love vintage french circus art, vintage halloween, vintage christmas. i like crepe paper and sweet expressions. pouty lips. anthropomorphic dolls.


there. i said it.
that's a load off, really.

so....i got up yesterday and... did nothing.
 i read all day. but i also thought a lot. took some time to really think about what i wanted from my little crafting adventures. i dug out the sketchbook i started this spring. it had been shoved under a pile of bills, if you can believe that. and i sat it beside the bed while i read and thought some more.
around 9pm last night, i picked it up.
and by midnight i had 4 pages of sketches for new - well, they're not really dolls - i guess busts would be a better word. (((i really love making busts. i can concentrate on the face, which is my favorite thing to draw)))
and they are all kinda cute.

so, this morning i got up bright eyed and bushy tailed and with only one cup of coffee in me i headed to the studio.

here are the first of my attempts at making the pieces I WANT TO MAKE:

i know they aren't much to look at right now - really just lumps of clay. 
 but, i am happier with them than with anything i have even attempted to make over the last 6 months.
i totally re-designed the look of them based on those sketches i found. i really enjoy making pudgy, rosey cheeked faces and those skinny necks i was using just weren't cutting it, so i thickened the neck up - which makes the piece more stable and gives my little pudgies a better proportion.
no more buggy doll eyes. all facial features will be painted on. that's the fun part, really.
i am seeing them as very vintage inspired. a little primitive. 
that's how i've seen them all along, really.  i just would not admit to myself that what i really wanted to make were pieces that were cute or sweet or girly.
listen to your inner voice, amber...
 it's ALWAYS right.

i hope that i can make this vision a reality.
and since it is MY vision--and not someone else's--that really shouldn't be a problem at all, now should it?....

thanks for listening to a freak like me and have a good one!!



Gloria said...

I like the way you analyzed everything and came up with your own decision. Sure maybe not the first time, but in the end you go with your gut feelings. I love working with clay and I can hardly wait to see your finished products. Have a great and creative week.

TheBlakkDuchess said...

W00t! Way to go you! =D I'm so glad to hear that you've found your way again & are no longer floundering. ^-^ There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with cute!!! Creepy is great, but cute is necessity as well. There is no one better at being you than YOU. ^-^
I'm super excited to see these little lovelies... Glad your epiphany came sooner rather than later, and that you seem so happy & serene. Yay! ^-^

paula nerhus said...

the process's.........why does it take so long? why do we think the way we do? well at least we understand each other...heehehhe...Love to listen to freaks makes me not fell alone ! great job I love them can't wait to see them done

Kristin said...

WHAT a FAB post!!! I think all of us have thought that at some time or the other - it's that line between what inspires up and what, well, is us. I think once we've found that, we're on your way . . . I'm still searching, but have found that I too like cute. I love it, create it and seek it out.
You know, I took an art class at a local college a couple of years ago and the teacher banned the word "cute" from her class! I never could figure that out . . . and now I realize that I don't agree anyway . . .
So eager to see what these Cute little ones turn into, Kristin xo

Carol Dean said...

Amber, I ADORE you and your - oh my! - cuteness :) *hugs*