Thursday, May 27, 2010

rethinking things

hmmmm....i don't even know where to start today.

i got up early this morning so i could get some studio time in before i go to work. which i am not enjoying these days, by the way. honestly, i just don't think i am cut out for work. at least for someone else. but, that's an entirely different story altogether.

i won't be able to work tonight as i have a  prior engagement, so i thought i would try to get 3 - 4 hours in this morning. which i did. yay me!

last night i painted these two faces and applied crackle medium to them. when i went to bed last night, i was very pleased with both of them. in fact, i thought they were my best two pieces so far:

when i got up this morning, i stained them and took pictures.

now i am not so sure how i feel about them.

hmmmmm....yeah. i still don't know.

that's funny, isn't it? how i can go from loving something at midnight to thinking that i can do better by 7am.
i suppose that just goes with the territory when learning a new craft!

i will just keep trying to bring my visions to life, i suppose. i just wish i was better. now.

unfortunately, this is an ongoing theme in my life - i want to learn something new and i go at it whole hog. when acquiring the skills - taking the time to perfect the craft - takes longer than i think it should - i get upset, depressed, and angry. i want to be perfect at everything i do right out of the starting gate. i don't want to learn. i want to do!

when i started working in mixed media and then moved to whatever the hell this is - doll making? sculpture? whatever....i was doing it because i enjoyed it! it was a break from beading, which has grown sooooooooooo stale for me. i can't even look at a bead right now. sad, i know.

now that i have started thinking about the possibility of applying to shows and trying to sell some of these pieces  - i am putting so much pressure on myself, that it's not fun anymore. i rush. i push. i rush. i push.

not good.  no fun. work.  yech.

so, i am going to take a step back today and think about what i want to do and where i want to go - and what it is that brings me joy.
it's been a while since i have felt real joy. i don't know what's got me down, but that joi de vivre i worked so hard to recapture last year has just flown out the window. and i think that in some way, pushing myself to be a certain something by a certain time is what leads to this melancholy.

so..... i bid you adieu for today so that i can go take a little walk with my camera and think about what makes me happy creatively.

i hope that everyone has a great day!!


ps.... thanks to everyone who has left such wonderful, encouraging comments. they have not gone unnoticed. you have given me quite a lot to think on ...


Cara-TheBeadStorm said...

Ugghhh, I know how you feel about work. Blah. I don't know what I would do without it though I wish I had more control about when and where it HAS to happen. Cudos for you getting up early, I can't make myself give myself more than 45 mins each morning.
As for your new pieces, I like them. Fresh eyes will justify their true value :).


I think your just too hard on yourself. Try to be less introspective... I know it is hard, I have that problem too. I think your pieces are wonderful...really. When I am working on something new that is difficult to get my muse around, I stop and do some fun little projects in between that incorporate techniques that I am proficient in and that I enjoy. Then I work on it some more, then back to a little projects. Before you know it the new thing is looking good and it is fun to work on again and I have learned a new skill :) I wish you much success with your project and I am sure in the end you will triumph over your reservations :)
Artful hugs!

Amber Leilani said...

thanks cara and inka. i think you're right... too much time thinking - i need more time just doing! i felt the muse stir again this morning, but alas, had no time to work as i slept waaaay too late. but, i think i need to take a step back, put some collaged cards together and let the inspiration come when it may!