Thursday, April 15, 2010

inner peace and bigger guns

honestly, i have to tell you, yesterday was one of the worst days i have had in a very very long time...

i wanted to crawl up in a little ball underneath a rock and just let the world go on spinning.

now, normally, i am a very happy person. i am a little on the "easily aggrivated" side, but i chalk that up to 20 years in the retail profession. one friend calls this part of my personality "disagreeable amber".

i spent most of last year getting a grip on some serious anger management issues which directly stemmed from my last job ( and from one of my co - workers in particular). well, i don't work there any more, so by all accounts, i should be very very happy. and for the most part, i am.

but, over the last few weeks, i have found myself struggling again with these same issues - having some trouble controlling my anger - and letting it surround me until i just can't breathe. and yesterday, i aimed that anger at myself until i literally, was hyperventillating.

not good.

so, i left work, after a brief convo with my mr, and treated myself to a wonderful sushi dinner, and then went directly to my studio.

it did wonders on my mental state. but only temporarily.

i mean, i am aware that creating is my happy place. and i get soooooooooo aggrivated when i have to deal with other life obligations and can't work in my little sanctuary, that i sometimes can't find my happy place if i am not already in it.

does that make sense?

well, for me it does.

i am a huge fan of the now defunct NBC show LIFE starring damian lewis. if you haven't rented the too short 2 seasons of this well written, plotted, and acted show, do yourself a favor and so so immediately! in my humble opinion, it was one of the best shows ever to be broadcast.  i recently purchased a copy of both seasons to have at the house - to remind myself to find my happy place.

there is a scene at the end of the show where the lead character, charlie crews and his friend, ted , played by the fantastic adam arkin, are having a conversation. i laughed so hard at this little exchange i thought i would cry. it really hit home for me. it was me....

ted: what do you want, charlie?
charlie: i want inner peace.
ted: what do you need, charlie?
charlie: i need a bigger gun.

on my quest for inner peace (aka my happy place), i have to muddle through, around, and over a lot of negativity. some of it comes from within me and some of it comes from people in my life, or even just random strangers who cross my path during the course of my day. i have found that most people are generally very unhappy and very scared. and they take that emotion - that fear- and they take it out on others - especially those they see as being " beneath" them ( aka people in the service industry).

so, i try to approach my life - and my day to day dealings with others- with the understanding that if someone is rude or mean to me, that they are simply scared and do not know how to look within and deal with that fear. they are not capable ( now will they ever be, more than likely) of really looking at themselves and making changes to their person and their lives. they are too scared.

and when i have a day like i did yesterday - when i am mean to ME - i have to remind MYSELF that there is something not right in my being. that i am afraid of something - that i need to look within and figure out what is making me sit around and constantly berate myself with doubt, hate, and loathing. why am i being rude to ME? and i have to fix it.

or get a bigger gun....

things to ponder on a fairly stressful ( taxing ) day....

cheers!

amber

4 comments:

Stagger Lee said...

I feel your pain - although I'm lucky; the desperation to have the computer working is generally enough to overwhelm the loathing for the tech.

Nevertheless, I saw your picture and immediately thought I was looking down on two pints of Guinness, which I would heartily recommend as a palliative against the urge to snap necks...

Boot ~C said...

so YOU were the other fan of Life!if only we could have had more, instead we get marraige ref & in it to win it? meh!

Amber Leilani said...

boot - c : and YOU were the other other fan of LIFE! ha!
yes, every time i turn on the tv and see DANCING WITH THE STARS or some such crap, i just sigh. at least i now have the full 2seasons of LIFE to watch anytime i want! :)

Trishia said...

Amber, I really enjoyed this post. Sorry, misery loves company:) Seriously, it's taken me 50+ years to get to a place of inner peace and contentment. And I have been blessed, creating a very small and cozy world that I really like. But like the guru staring at his navel at the top of the isolated hill, I am learning that the true test of my character is when I have to come down the mountain and interact with others. Ouch! Double ouch! Can I borrow your gun:)ha!