Saturday, August 15, 2009

changes and sharing

many of you may - or may not - know that i hold down a day job. i wish i could make a living with my jewelry, but that has not happened yet. so i punch a time clock. whether i want to or not.

it's something i don't really like to talk about here, because i feel that is not something that defines me. i feel that my art defines, inspires, and motivates me.
so that is what i normally like to talk about. selfish? maybe. cathartic. definitely.

well, today is a big day for me. it's the last day at my current job.

some of you also know what this job is and where. for those of you who do not, i am afraid i am not going to elaborate. i feel that would be a little tacky. but, i am going to tell you that this decision was a long time in the making. in fact, it was a decision i never thought i would or could make - out of fear. but in the great words of the jedi master, yoda : fear leads to hate. hate leads to suffering.

i got tired of suffering.

so, after many months of deliberation, i decided a few weeks back that it was time for me to move on.

and i have.

i cannot tell you what a relief it is to be moving forward with my life. to not feel trapped or stuck on this hamster wheel any longer. to feel that i am making changes that will help me to move in the direction i want to go. i guess you never really know what the future will bring. but you have to just move some times. make a change. put the wheels in motion. shake things up a bit!

i have always been the kind of person to grab life by the horns and just let it take me where it wants to. until the last few years. over the last few years, i have become very very afraid. of living.

i can tell you exactly where these feelings of fear stem from. and i will:

from may of 2004 to august 2005 i had my car stolen, my insurance rates increased over $400 a year because my car was stolen, my house was robbed, i lost my job, and i went through hurricane katrina. having evacuated with friends, i stayed on the road, with friends, and family for about 6 weeks before i could return home. although my apartment was untouched and i was physically fine, i hadn't realized until recently what an affect these incidents had on my frame of mind. i was actually shocked to come to the realization that i was still dealing with all of these things and that they were making me afraid to move. to do anything. i have been paralyzed with fear. i have not embraced change of any kind.

it's taken me a while to feel safe again. but i am finally starting to feel that way. slowly but surely. it's still a work in progress.

we just moved into a great new apartment and now i am starting a new job. a job i have long hoped would come my way. i cannot tell you how happy i am. and how good i feel. excited. a little less afraid.

so, i just had to share this tidbit of information with you all.

i am sure you will hear all about my new job in the new future. i won't be able to keep this one to myself.

wish me luck!

and thanks for listening.

4 comments:

susanc said...

The best of luck to you! I think you are so brave. Just watching about Hurricane Katrina and what devastating effects it brought, both physical and emotional, was just heart-wrenching. I applaud you for your willingness to "shake things up" and know that you will be rewarded for taking this step. Congrats on the new apartment too! I look forward to reading about your new job - I'm very curious now!

craftyways said...

Amber,

I'm so happy for you. That you were able to take the leap. That a great opportunity was on your way. That you're letting go of fear. That you're getting closer to the life you really want and closer to who you are.

It's strange in a way to feel so much empathy when we've never even met in person. Since I started reading your blog, I noticed your writing has changed a bit. Especially in the past few weeks, it felt like a long built tension was starting to dissolve. That's what I picked up through your words and your tone anyway.
So, I am truly happy. For you.

Congratulations on the new job too !

:)

Anonymous said...

Amber, didn't I tell you, that everyone who holds this position eventually moves on to something better? Well, already, Saturday, Cassie tells me an advertising agency in the CBD might be hiring and she gave a guy she met my number and e-mail for a possible meet up... impossiblé?

Amber Leilani said...

yay "anonymous"!!! keep me posted. and just think... you've only been there a day!