Tuesday, November 11, 2008

thinking out loud part IV

well, i am finally back home from my 5 gruelling days in atlanta for the day job.

i don't really like travelling for work - mostly because they don't pay me enough to do so. i also hate staying in hotels designed for business travellers. i found out the hard way that the average american business traveller doesn't use real half & half in their coffee as demonstrated by the hampton inns and suites in east point, georgia.

grrr....

i live in new orleans. give me a real cup of coffee dammit!

the jewelry show was a complete flop. totally not worth my employer sending me to work it as the owner and artist was there himself. still don't know why i was...

if it makes anybody feel better - the economy is so bad that even my boss can't sell jewelry. and his stuff sells itself.

and since i was staying out in east bumblefork atlanta, i did not get the chance to network and hang out with my friends like i wanted to. i stayed in my little stinky room and watched old episodes of ANGEL on TNT. which, actually turned out to not be a bad show. don't know why i never watched it before.

as you can see from the above paragraph, i did not bring my beads. i should have, but i thought i would be hanging out and networking. one day i will learn.

so, i had 8 hours in the car up and 8 on the way back to think about my life, my jewelry, my blood pressure, my wants and needs, the brand new pimples on my face, why i never say what i think anymore, what happened to my dreams, will my lymph nodes swell every time the cat scratches me, what the @$#*! am i going to do about christmas this year, am i ever going to pay off my credit card debt, will i ever break in my new shoes, why am i good at retail when i hate it soooo much, should i cut my hair again, why do i have nothing in common with most of my friends anymore, and when will the final 10 episodes of battlestar galactica start?

it was a long trip. both ways.

the truth is, i totally ignored my thoughts on the way up. i knew i needed to sort some stuff out, but i wasn't going to. i completely refused to look within. i am not normally a thought represser. i completely and totally believe in looking deep deep down into the darkest recesses of the soul and trying to figure out why a person
(ie me) act/feels the way they do. but i could not bring myself to do it on the trip up. i just sang dolly parton songs and tried to ignore the inner rumblings of my mind.

but, then i got to the show and i saw my friend, jamie who had some words of wisdom for me. none of which i can remember at the moment, but whatever it was, she got me to thinking about all the things that have been bothering me these last few months, and i realized that i just don't have any confidence any more. that is the root of the problems i have been having. i have no confidence. and i sincerely and truly believe that my job has a lot to do with that. i let it get to me. i let the fact that i do a good majority of the work but make very little money get to me. i let the fact that no one listens to me or takes my advice get to me. and i shouldn't. it's just a job. pay the bills. go home. end of story.

but, i am not the kind of person who can do that. i take pride in what i do and when that hard work is largely ignored ( until they need me to come in early) i get really really really upset.

not anymore. done. it's a paycheck. not who i am. and i have been putting a lot of importance on that lately.

defining who i am by what i do.

and i feel like a total utter complete and unrepairable failure.

i can't deal with feeling that way any more. and i won't.

i started to realize a few months back that i was putting a lot of pressure on myself to sell my jewelry and i have been really upset for a long time about etsy not doing well for me.

well, finally about 2 weeks ago, i started feeling like i wanted to try some new things and make some changes in my designs. so i started looking into bead embroidery and free form peyote stitch. it has just about been the most freeing experience i have had i a long time.

because i am working for me!!!!

it feels fabulous!!!!

i am no where near where i wanted to be at this stage in my life. not one damn thing has gone according to my plans other than getting out of georgia and having joseph fall in love with me. so, i took a long look at what has been making me soooooooo effing unhappy these last long months and i figured out 2 things:

1-i don't do anything for me anymore.
2-i don't say what i think or feel.

you can't go through life doing either one of those things.

in fact, i am 98% sure that not saying what i think or feel has been one major source of my blood pressure spikes.

so, sorry kids - the gloves are off. i have to start speaking up. i have always been the kind of person where what you see was what you got, but i have been letting "retail mode" take over my entire life ---- i am always polite, always non confrontational, and always mad at everyone because i feel taken for granted and taken advantage of.

not anymore.

i only get this one life according to most of the folks i know, so it's time that i started enjoying it a little more.

of course, i am an old school southern superstitious lady and i also realized that i am afraid to have a good time or think positive thoughts because that usually means that bad things will follow ( see california trip followed by trips to doctors). so, i have to get over that as well.

i know i have a lot more work to do on me and i know it will be a long road, but i guess this is as good a place as any to start.

doing what i want and saying what i feel.

and not defining me by my lousy ass paycheck.

4 comments:

Melody Marie Murray said...

Good for you! You rock. :-)

Beka said...

i stand beside this whole thought process as well.
i stopped caring awhile ago, and i think it started to show... and you know what, nothing was done about it on their end or mine... so what does THAT tell you.

SarahKelley said...

About the cat thing--- it's possibel you have cat scratch fever-- it's a real thing and my sister had it and reacted like that to cat scratches . . .

Penelope said...

i am just reading this and catching up on all your yummy sites. i will step up onto the penelope soapbox for one moment and then politely step back down. 5 months ago i started truly practicing "now-ness", erasing all past hurts and all future worries and going by this one little moment, day by day and hour by hour, excruciatingly so. girl it was so hard. but now i'm pretty good at appreciating where i am as part of the process of where i am gonna be! at the same time i started tossing out unconditional love and being good to people "whether or not they deserve it". whew. can you imagine doing that ALL THE TIME? i failed a lot but managed to make it a goal daily. hour by hour sometimes. the combination of trying to appreciate where i am, and who surrounds me, helps build me up to tackle the day. it is my attempt and it has been working. and in that i added some prayers to the mix, especially for those who irritate me. praying for people who put you down? SO HARD. rewards? unimaginable. this year turned around for me. i'm not saying it's the secret (no pun on oprah intended) but whatever works for you, work it! i love you dearly and want you happy. you are too gorgeous and talented to not sit back and relax about your fascinating life and meeting joseph is so way big and happy so you know there are so many more way big and happy times to be had in your life, you beautiful girl. motivational speeches all this week at the ramada (inside joke). happiness can be WORK but it's something that pays off major-major if the work is on you, which is all we can ever control anyway, our actions and reactions. all that retail smiling politely pays off somehow...