Wednesday, September 10, 2008


i joined a gym.
what the @!#$*%$ was i thinking?

well, i will tell you...

when joseph and i were in california, i huffed and puffed all up and down the hills in san francisco. i can't even convey to you how out of breath i was. and i thought i was still in pretty good shape. not even close.

i have absolutely no energy whatsoever. most days i feel like a new born kitten when i wake up and i burrow under the covers not coming out until the last minute. then i stay angry most of the day.

i am angry and i feel depressed and just plain mean most of the time. i am envious of other's success and i want to lash out at pretty much everyone i come in contact with.

i don't care about anything. at all. and i take all the wonderful things in my life for granted because i feel like i can't have the one thing i have always wanted - my own, successful business.

i know that i have to work some of this out on my own - especially the materialistic mood i have been in. i haven't really been a materialistic person since i graduated from high school. sure, when i was a teenager i dreamed of having money and was sure i would, once i got away from home ( country fried, i tell you) and out into the real world where my artistic talent would be swooned over by the masses and i would be this massively rich designer.


i have to accept that my career has not turned out the way i wanted, AND that it is going to take much much longer than i planned for this jewelry business to get off the ground. and i have to keep working at it.

in order to keep up my strength and my motivation and to keep WANTING to work on this business, i am going to have to gain more energy.

i am going to have to start working out.

what's that line from LEGALLY BLONDE ? ...
"exercise produces endorphins. endorphins make people happy. happy people don't shoot their husbands. they just don't"

i want to be a happy person, and i know that when i exercise on a regular basis, i AM happy. every time in my life when i have felt the way i do now, i wasn't getting any exercise. and i felt terrible about myself and i wanted to cry all the time.

so, i have made one positive change in my life.

here's hoping it will help me have the energy and the creative confidence to make many more....


Melody Marie Murray said...

Good for you making a positive change! I think regular exercise does change one's mood for the better.

I sympathize with you as far as trying to get your business off the ground. It's a long hard slog, I think. Some days I'm sure I should just give up and go back to corporate life.

Hang in there.

Christina J. said...

I found a page with an e-mail for the Carol Decker auction.


mycraftyways said...

You are very brave to put those feelings out there.
I can relate to the anger and the feeling depressed, and even just those two are not easy to deal with.
Seems to me you're on your way to tackle this uncomfortable situation you find yourself in.
There is a pretty good chance when you start to exercise and feel better, other things are going to clear up too. (which is one of the reasons I should start exercising as well...sigh ;))

Take good care of yourself, breathe.

Drea said...

I surfed over from Dulcey's blog, and had to comment cause I totally understand how you feel!

I quit may day job about a year & 1/2 ago, all revved up & ready to succeed in my bead/art business. I've had some success, but it's definitely slow going. It's hard work, and often the progress or benefits aren't immediately tangible (which makes it hard to stay motivated).

Good for you for acknowledging your feelings of frustration, and being proactive in addressing them. Good luck!


PS. Will have to remember the Legally Blonde quote. My man will thank you for it ;o)